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What do Robert Downey Jr, Lindsay Lohan, and Robocop all have in common? They're in this week's column.

Sometimes life just feels bland. Yeah, you know what I am talking about. You get stuck in a rut of redundancy where you wake up, go to work (or class), come home, eat, shit, and pass out in front of the television only to wake up in the middle of a Girls Gone Wild commercial. Everything gets awfully predictable on all sorts of levels. You know exactly what time the bus is going to roll by in the morning and can guess the exact minute each day that when work seems to last forever. There are few surprises, but the ones we do have come in different forms. For instance there might be a new episode of your favorite television series, a new comic book on the news stand, or hell, a new column up on your favorite pop culture web site. Well folks, that is where I have failed you.

I am fairly convinced that this column is not the same as it was when I started in nearly one year ago. Honestly, it is pretty much as stale as John Cena's character on WWE Raw. The only difference is that I don't get to overcome the odds and walk out as the champion at the big show. To sum up the problem, I think I might have lost my edge when it comes to delivering offbeat entertainment news and commentary. The cause of this could be many reasons, one of which has to deal with the redundancy of life. Things have changed for me, causing more of life's stress and headaches, but in the end that is a piss poor excuse for my creativity seemingly flushing down the shitter. You'd swear that each week had become less original than a "Land Before Time" sequel. That is sad. That is pathetic. That needs to change.

It is quite certain that I need to recommit myself to the cause. There are celebrities to be mocked, movie projects to ridicule, and Dwight Schrute quotes to be admired just as they had been done before. There can be no pulled punches, no second guessing, and no regard for potential disagreements. We are rebooting, people. The new age of this column starts now. Let's Rock. Let's Roll.

For those of you who are new to the column, let me introduce myself. My name is Nick Wallander. I hail from the bustling metropolis of Green Bay, Wisconsin and have an absolutely thrilling day job at one of the country's big insurance companies. To cure the stagnant blues of living in the Midwest I spend my nights watching whatever seems interesting and surfing the internet for interesting entertainment stories. Then I come back here and share my thoughts, opinions, and my inner most feelings about all of that intriguing junk. It is a fairly simple formula that I think you can pick up on quite quickly. Then again you might be clinically retarded and are only reading this column because you googled the words "Natalie Portman naked" only to be fooled by this sentence designed to draw in readers from the search engines.

So, without further adieu, let's get right to the dirty here, okay?


I am pretty much required to talk about this…

It has seemingly been months since we got a good heaping helping of classic Lohanigans from our favorite Hollywood train wreck. Since all good things come to an end, it is no surprise that this week the entertainment world was abuzz about the supposed preview of a Lindsay Lohan sex tape being leaked to the internet. The early word was that the tape was leaked by Lohan's former boy toy Callum Best, aka the classiest man on the planet. The other note of interest is that Lohan was a little upset because she never remembered being filmed in the act.

Okay, so those were all the initial details, but nothing was going to be confirmed until the thing was released. Then, I stumbled upon (seriously) a screen capture of the Hollywood equivalent of the Zapruder film. It took me all of a millisecond to laugh at the prospect that the photo was legitimate. I would post the thing right here, but we do have standards at 411, even if it is the blurriest picture on the planet. Something tells me that Lohan would expect production values of her sex tape to be high enough to film with a camera and not a cell phone. That photograph could be anybody playing lollipop with man junk. The odds of that being Lindsay Lohan are about the same as this video being of a legitimate ghost: